Hosting as an Introvert

I don’t remember the context, but my husband recently noted that both of us are introverts. Inside, I cringe a little every time someone describes one of my kids as an “introvert,” “quiet,” “reserved,” or my least favorite “shy.” Growing up, people said I was shy or even “too shy.” I definitely internalized it as 1. an excuse to not do things, 2. as a trait that could not be changed, and 3. as something not good.

As a teenager, I realized that for me bring shy was just a fear of being rejected. Somewhere along the way, I decided that taking up space made other people more comfortable. I should give other people the stage all the time. It’s a weird thing to say, but I really did believe that for a long time.

It wasn’t until I started college that I realized I didn’t have to be that way. I didn’t have to keep quiet or be afraid of people. I started to express myself more and doing so allowed me meet and become friends with some very interesting people. Which leads me to the topic of hosting as an introvert (my preferred though not favorite) word to describe myself.

Firstly, I have noticed that the more I invite people to my home, the less anxiety I feel each time. It’s not easy to open your house up to others, especially people outside your immediate circle. If you spend any amount of time there, you probably have personal objects, pictures, decor. It’s also sort of an exposition into how you live your life-are you tidy or messy? organized or disorganized? The state of your home may or may not be under your control, but it does reflect on you whether you like it or not.

I’m a generally very clean and organized but my house doesn’t always look that way now with a husband and three kids. It bothers me, yes, but I realized that I can’t let it stop me from inviting people into my home. If anything, it makes people more comfortable knowing that I’m confident enough to display my messes (literally and figuratively) to them.

Secondly, through many years of over doing it, I realized obsessive cleaning before hosting isn’t worth it. It’s nice to tidy up and clean your house but it doesn’t have to be spotless. People don’t come to your house to scrutinize. It’s so much effort for so little reward. If you have the money to hire someone to clean, go right ahead and do that. I have found that focusing on food and entertainment is so much more worthwhile and enjoyable. I save half my energy for cleaning up after the guests are gone. It’s a favor to yourself because honestly your home is worth being clean for you!

Lastly, I would encourage opening your home to more people. I’m not saying you should invite strangers over, but I think people enjoy meeting and talking to people they wouldn’t on their own. If you get different people together, you are doing them a service by introducing them to one another.

Also, you can’t expect a return invite each time you throw a dinner. In the same vein, you shouldn’t wait for people to extend you an invitation before inviting them. Over the years, I’ve come to the conclusion that most people will not make the time to have a party or have a play date or whatever. It doesn’t have anything to do with how much they like you. It’s just that people are busy and they take the path of least resistance. They might be embarrassed about how messy their home is. I used to think I should stop inviting people over who never reciprocate, but then I realized that was silly. People enjoy coming to our house, but that doesn’t mean they want or are capable of hosting us and that’s OK.

So, in summary, it can be hard to invite people to your home as an introvert but it’s definitely worth practicing! My tips are: Do it often to overcome any anxiety you have around hosting; Do only half the amount of cleaning you think you should before and do the other half after your house is empty of guests; ask everyone, but don’t expect anyone to return the invite.

Happy hosting!